When it comes to Christian girls; What works and what doesn’t? My little brothers, cousins and friends have asked me this. Which is what has sparked this blog. This is my attempt at explaining my personal opinions and feelings when it comes to guy+girl drama. Please understand that I am by no means putting all the blame on men. I’m simply addressing some of what I’ve personally experienced to be the problem. So, on behalf of myself and some (hopefully most) Christian girls; I’ll attempt to break it down for you guys who might need a little extra practical help and encouragement.
It’s your job! Marriage is supposed to reflect the relationship between God and His church (Ephesians 5:25). So, just as God pursued us first, (1 John 4:19) it’s a boy’s job to pursue the girl. I would also like to advise that girls who pursue men are usually bad news. A girl who is confident and secure about who she is in Christ won’t go around throwing herself at men. She’ll have enough self respect to sit back and wait to be pursued as she follows God.
Don’t be a flirt. I feel strongly about this one. Girls are usually closely knit, and 80% of what we do is talk. So, we pay attention to who you do or don’t talk to. Don’t assume two different girls are unassociated– They might be friends or even neighbors. You’d be surprised how many friends of mine have been hit on by the same thoughtless guy. It might be okay to some, but I personally don’t want to date my roommate’s ex. Just throwing this out there, but if I’ve seen you talk to a million girls, I’m going to assume that I’m no different. DON’T message a gabazillion girls on facebook. If you’re throwing out a ton of bait waiting for one to bite, I’d dare to say that you’re impatient and desperate. I don’t want to be the 5th “girl of the day”. If you seem to go from girl to girl, I would suggest actually praying about a girl before talking to any. God doesn’t to direct you to waste time with thirty different attractive females. So, in doing so, you’re reflecting your prayer life- or lack thereof.
Eyecontact- for crying out loud! This should go without saying, but we also watch your eyes. Like my mother likes to say; “Don’t have have ‘loose eyes.'” It baffles me how many times I’ve seen this happen. We’re looking for someone who looks a girl in the eyes and doesn’t check others out while doing so. That being said, throw a few blinks in there while you’re talking to us. Be casual, sincere, and responsive. The more natural and comfortable you are, the more likely we are to let our walls down. Talking to an awkward, non-blinking, stiff person is just–well, awkward.
Be patient, not pushy. If you leave us a voice mail, we might not return your call anywhere from 1hour-3 days. If we don’t call after two weeks, I think it’s pretty safe to say that we’re not interested. Sure, let us know that you’re thinking about us, but don’t give us reasons to think you’re obsessed. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a firm believer in playing “hard to get”. But an interested girl will respond at the very least . Please don’t be naggy in the midst of your insecurity and continue to blow up the various communication options if we haven’t responded. Chances are that our phones are working and our facebooks are functioning. Exercise some self control, resist excessive contact and wait. Otherwise, it’s awkward. Trust that you won’t have to convince “the one” into liking you.
Ask questions. This shows us that you’re interested and not self absorbed. There’s nothing more unattractive than a guy who’s obsessed with himself. Ask caring, probing questions that don’t result in a yes or no answer. For an example “How are you doing today?” as opposed to “You doin okay?”
Be consistent. Whether you’re interested, or actually dating someone. Be consistent. We want to know that you’re reliable. If you’re interested, at least say hi if you cross paths. Girls take mental notes of who does or doesn’t say hi. Especially if we like you back! So PLEASE, say hi! It can’t hurt to simply smile and say hello. Most girls won’t approach you first because we’re trying to give you an opportunity! Plus, if you eventually do ask us out, “all those times” you said hi will reassure us that you’ve thought about us before and been actively leading up to this moment. Also, realize if you tell us that you’re going to do something– We’re expecting you to do it! We and our elephant brains won’t forget what you promise–even if it’s an off the hand comment. Being five minutes early speaks volumes about you. Likewise, being five minutes late not only talks poorly about you, but it’s also a rude awakening that we don’t mean all that much to you.
Be yourself. Please, pretty, pretty please. We aren’t looking for fakes and phonies. Be yourself. If you’re dating, I hope that you’re only doing so because you’re headed towards marriage. So, be yourself, because we’d like to know what we’re getting ourselves into. If you plan on being married for the rest of your life, you’d better believe we’ll eventually see the real you. We want to have a grasp on your personality and the ways in which you cope. The good. The bad. And the ugly. Don’t fake it!
Honesty is a rarity. Which is why we’ll think the world of you if you respect us by being genuine. We don’t want to be defensive, but a lot (if not most) of us have been hurt in the past. So our hearts might be calloused and closed off because they’ve been stuck in survival mode. Trust is earned. At the end of the day, one of our greatest desires is that we can lay all games aside and just be real. This doesn’t come automatically. We don’t want to have to walk on eggshells around you, but please let us in a little about whats going on in your brain.
Be funny. According to a recent survey of over 700 women, only 30% appreciated romantic compliments. I don’t know how true this is. I have friends who are hopeless romantics and then others who are more like myself. I personally don’t appreciate sappy comments such as “Your eyes have as many colors as the sky”. My sarcastic response to this was– “Is it night time? Because my eyes are definitely black.” Please, make us smile. I want to laugh until my stomach hurts. I promise it’s not that hard. If we like you, we’ll laugh even if it’s the most insanely dumb joke we’ve heard in our entire life. Lighthearted conversations make my day. Find a common denominator and have fun with it! But don’t make fun of people, this paints a picture of insecurity. Which brings me to my next thought:
Be confident! We don’t want to be the reason why you’re secure in yourself. If you aren’t bold enough to approach us because you’re worried you don’t have what it takes, we’ll think you might be right. At the same time, please don’t be cocky. Pride and egos are a huge letdown. You should be secure about who you are in Christ, but not so prideful that you think you have it made. Be confident in asking us out, but don’t imply that it’s a give in or done deal to date you. We want to know that you treasure us and don’t take us for granted as if you’re God’s gift to women.
Put God first. We want to know that you can lead. Not just relationally, but spiritually. We don’t want to be the center of your universe. We want to follow you as you follow hard after God. We shouldn’t take up all of your time, energy, or weekend. Set some time aside to make sure you’re still cultivating your relationship with the Lord. While we’re on the subject; not all of your time should be devoted to us. Make sure you’re still setting time aside to do guy stuff. You know, “man time” with your friends. Try to pick a night when you can be with the boys and us ladies can have a girl’s night. A confident girl will appreciate this.
Talk don’t text. If at all possible, talk to us in person. Second resort should be on the phone. Texting third, and facebook–LAST. You should be MORE confident in person than in your texts or comments. We don’t want you to cower behind a computer desk or on your cell phone. I feel like I can’t stress this enough; please, PLEASE, don’t ask us out on facebook- we didn’t sign up for an online dating service.
Be intentional in your relationships. I’ve heard so many guys say that they’re “just friends” with several so and so’s. But realize that we’re looking for someone serious. We’re not going to give you a fighting chance if we’re worried about coming in second, or even third place. We are aware of your facebook comments, gestures and mannerisms. A good question to ask yourself if you really are “just friends” with a girl is– “If I was married, would I still be friends with this person?”. If the answer is no, then you should either pray about pursuing the girl, make some changes, or say goodbye. Uncommitted relationships with hidden motives are sloppy and lower your chances of actually being with the real deal. The way I see it, you shouldn’t have to throw out a million “friendships” once you get a girlfriend. You should be all set to go and ready for commitment!
Avoid being an extremest. I know this one’s tough. But please realize that not all girls are either flirts or jerks. Yes, there are many cases where girls are flirting and flaunting for all the wrong reasons and they shouldn’t be (this drives me crazy too). But sometimes, girls are just being friendly not flirty. I decided some time ago that I’d rather be considered “quiet and unfriendly” than “flirty and misleading”. But then I found that guys were referring to me as “cold-hearted and rude”. I wanted to scream– “I’M JUST SHY AND WAITING FOR MY HUSBAND!” You get to choose who you talk to, we have to sort through the no’s to get to the yes. Sometimes, a girl’s just trying to be honest with you and tell you she’s not interested. A girl denying you DOES NOT make her a jerk. Give us a break! You might be the umpteenth guy to approach us that day. Be understanding that it might be out of the blue for us. Yes, it’s our job to let you down easy and be gracious, but we can be pretty taken back and clueless at times. It’s not fair to say that we are either one or the other. We shouldn’t have to pick. Take a different perspective. Be understanding. Put yourself in our shoes. Good luck walking in heels!
Men, it saves us ladies a lot of trouble if you’ll just pray, seek counsel, swallow your pride, and take a chance. We can’t read minds, especially yours. Taking responsibility and being the guy frees us women to be the girl.
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23